Play. Fast forward... slow motion.

There are moments in my life I wish I could fast forward. All the petty things, like showering, red-lights, facebook, making the bed, laundry, taking the dog out, driving (there are exceptions however), typing, giving the dog a bath, cooking... you get my drift. There are so many daily routines that take up so much time, time that I can not get back. Time I'd rather spend elsewhere.

And then there are moments when I wish I could hit the slow mo button. Moments that I could make last forever, if I could. Like the moment when I first saw John as I walked down the aisle... I could bask in that feeling for hours. Or the moment I first felt God's love for me... I still revisit this one often.

And then there are conversations that I would stop and replay over and over again. Like some of the conversations that mom, aunt b, and joy and I have in the kitchen-- they always end up in laughter. Or the conversations that John and I sometimes have about music or God or the first time we met... those leave me wishing for more hours in the day. And the conversations I have with Maria at work, about life and our differences and our similarities and how much we appreciate the other.

Other times, I wish I could hit the pause button, so I could stop for a moment and process the decisions I need to make. The pause button would have come in handy the time Ashley and I decided to hike Raven Cliff Falls. I would have taken a better look at the map and the distance and noticed the time and the weather before I chose the hardest hiking trail.

And admiring the scars on my knees and elbows proves as a child a pause option would have saved many boo-boos.

I do most of my thinking in the shower. It's always been that way. Growing up with three brothers and two sisters, the shower is about the only place you can achieve some privacy. However, that too is not necessarily promised. But tonight, I thought about how time is forever moving, for us anyhow. We are captive by it. I sometimes think about how time is fleeting fast. My life here will be complete before I realize it. I do not want to waste a second. My biggest fear has always been not accomplishing all that I could accomplish. So many things I want to taste and indulge in. I want to simmer in life. To do what others so dear to me did not get to do. I want to take not a breath for granted.

The life God gives is precious and rich in bounty. There is much to be gained and much to be spent. I pray that I will live fully, learn humbly, love much, and do plenty.

-MP

The Muse.

There are words that stay with me forever. Some words I capture like fireflies and keep them in a jar, pulling them out ever-so-often to stand amazed at their illuminating wisdom. Others are like a deep stain that is impossible to remove despite how hard I scrub. In fact, the harder I try to remove the words, the deeper they bury into my heart.

As I write in this blog and even with paper and pen at home, I sometimes notice that I try to filter God out as a character. It is hard to do because whether I admit it or not, He has his hand in everything that goes on in my life. But today, I am struggling with why I do this.

Once I had a talk with my uncle. He is not a believer, but I believe God is pursuing him diligently. I believe this because he is so curious to what I believe, and he constantly asks me questions about the Bible and Jesus.
Although he is not a follower of Jesus, he is very smart and intelligent and most giving. But one day he told me these words in a conversation we were having: "I do believe that Christianity is for those who are coward and weak. They use it as a crutch, especially if they've had a rough life."

I was taken back. Was he calling me weak and coward? I mean, I've had a rough life, but I don't think that I am weak. I took offense.

So, unfortunately, I have tried to write in an edited fashion. Leaving God out sometimes. I didn't want to use God as a crutch. I never want to be called "weak" or "coward". Who does?

But, in my pride-- I dismissed my one Beautiful Muse. He is the Muse for all I do: writing, singing, breathing, living, loving, going, coming, playing, dancing, eating, drawing, listening, talking, helping, being helped, running, walking, ect. Everything is because of Him.

I love my uncle. I pray for him with an intense love, hoping for God to turn something in his heart that would open his eyes to the things unseen.

And I know those words- "weak" and "coward" will always be there, confronting me like little daggers being thrown by the Enemy. Especially in difficult times.
But, in my natural state, I suppose I am weak and coward. We all are born to be that way. Hense, we put our hope in sin. We realize our weakness and we coward to sin in order to survive. But we are dead. Christ brings life. He is our source of strength and courage. Without Him, we have no muse. We have no strength. We have nothing. He is not our crutch, but He is our Everything. Our Hope.

He is our Muse.

-MP

Pack Your Bags... we're headed [east].

In June, my husband and I will be going to Hoima, Uganda (Africa). I will be returning for my second time. I do not know what this journey will hold, but something within me feels that this will be the beginning of something unfathomable.

I can only think to pray, asking God to give us faith, to give us courage, to give us clarity. Words even escape me now. My head is filled with images of a family that I have there. The smiles and the laughter that coat the pain and poverty that echoes down every dirt road. I feel so unworthy, but they say that I bring encouragement. I don't see how that is so. If anything, I only bring the residue of a spoiled society.

Love. I'm learning to love. I'm learning to love as a wife, to love as a friend, to love as a mentor, to love as a leader, to love as a sister, to love as a daughter, and mostly, to love as a servant. I have a long way to go, but I am being refined.

Jesus. Jesus is love. He is life. He is God. Jesus. If my life echoes nothing more... let it echo Jesus.
-MP